Beloved,

My friend recently told me this quote: “No one talks about how hard spiritual growth and dying to ourselves is. It’s not a one-time thing; it’s every day. It’s remaining quiet when we want to speak. It’s trusting God’s timing when we would rather control. It’s doing it God’s way when it doesn’t make sense to us.” As an Episcopalian, my Anglican spiritual roots often puts me in a conundrum as to when to listen or act. Or, in a more practical sense, it’s knowing when to keep my mouth shut or open my big mouth! My prayer life discerns when to let the prayers shape my heart to receive wisdom or allow my heart to shape a prayer, asking God for change each day. In reality, I do both.

When I understood God’s love as inclusion and acceptance, I assumed God would affirm my actions regardless as long as I was prayerful, sincere, spiritual, righteous, and passionate. I acted presumptuously whenever my heart told me to act as if though I got His seal of approval. Even when I acted selfishly, I’d still tell myself, “God understands. Forgive me, Father…” It’s much easier to ask for forgiveness than permission. I hate to admit it, but in retrospect, God’s acceptance was more about me being in control, feeling affirmed, and purposeful; it became a measure to validate my self-worth instead of a valuable lesson to open my eyes to set me free in ways most unimaginable. I only listened to what I wanted to hear and acted when I felt passionate, having God watch my back.

Furthermore, I ignored the most challenging lesson: my thoughts and actions would not necessarily be divinely inspired no matter how sincere I felt to justify. Thinking like such, whoever challenged my thoughts or actions, therefore, sucked the breath of the Holy Spirit right out of my passion. How could anybody disrupt my answering God’s call? So I thought. Consequently, what could have been a chief cornerstone of a valuable lesson was wasted as a stumbling block of hindrance in my immaturity. I know better now that you don’t need Jesus for such a selfish affirmation. Following Jesus means much more than that. Spiritual growth and dying to ourselves is not a one-time thing. It’s a discipline we must consciously practice every day. Following Jesus means to let go of our selfish ways and let God teach us the WAY in the most unimaginable again and again until the day we meet our maker.

As many of you know by now, 2025 has already been a whirlwind for Fr. Roger and me. Academically and emotionally, I am learning so much about the complexity of the human brain. But more than anything, I am learning about myself—the good, the bad, and the ugly. Without adequate spiritual discipline to balance my faith and work, I can go from an angelic helpful servant to a demonic drill sergeant in a Shazam without even realizing it. Instead of listening to what matters, I foist what my limited mind thinks is right for Fr. Roger; I even pout when I don’t get my way!

Trusting God’s way requires discerning hearts. It may start with our prayerful intent and a private conversation with God, but it does not stop there; it involves many discerning faithful hearts that may sometimes present unfavorable thoughts. Our job is not to shoot and destroy whatever disrupts our inner peace but to find God’s peace that surpasses all our understanding despite the challenging time. We will always find Him and teach us His Way. We all must pay attention to that before inserting our ways.

Love in Christ, Fr. Andrew